Alright, we’ve all been there right? The hurt feelings? The frustration and maybe anger? The conflict.

Maybe this post is a little bit of click bait… I wish I could write a post about how to magically never deal with church hurt again, but I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Even Jesus dealt with conflict and He was absolutely perfect!

Instead of completely avoiding conflict, there is a verse that comes to mind that teaches us how to avoid conflict on our end of things. We can’t completely avoid it, but when we shape our actions in a way that glorifies God, we can minimize the amount of times conflict happens.

Yet do this with gentleness and reverence, keeping a clear conscience, so that when you are accused, those who disparage your good conduct in Christ will be put to shame. 1 Peter 3:16 CSB

The truth of this scripture is easy: If we act with good conduct in Christ, we can prevent any unfounded conflict.

That’s so cool, right?! If we follow this approach, we can glorify God in a way that any accusations or attempts at conflict will be met with a dead end. Do not pass Go, and do not collect your $200, kind of dead end.

So, how do we do it?

Interacting with gentleness

Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Philippians 4:5 CSB

The word “graciousness” used here is “reasonable” in ESV, and “gentleness” in NIV. The Greek word used here is Epieikes, which is an adjective that means each of those things. Gentle, mild, fair, reasonable.

Let’s talk about what this does not mean. It does not mean to excuse people when they are mean or hurt us. It doesn’t mean coddling or pretending that everything is okay for the sake of no conflict. 

Instead, it tells us that even amid all of these hard emotions that could potentially lead to conflict, we should respond reasonably. That in every conversation and interaction we take part in, it should be our first and foremost intention to be gentle and fair. 

We interact with so many people in a day. These interactions can be good, great, bad, worse, neutral. But when we speak with the intention to be fair and loving, when we respond to the not so great with mildness and a reasonable demeanor, what can anyone say about you?

Suddenly, those accusations that we’ve dealt with situations poorly become less likely, because we’re pausing and responding reasonably. We’re weighing our words and actions so that we are being fair and gentle. We’re imitating God by showing grace.

Interacting with Reverence

Did you get caught on this word, too? The ESV and NIV both say “respect” instead of “reverence” which makes a little more sense to me.

In a day and age where “respect is earned,” we have lost the actual definition of respect. 

We aren’t going to even touch the worldly definition, but when it comes to respecting our brothers and sisters in Christ, it’s simple: we should do what we can to avoid conflict because it creates an opportunity for our spiritual lives to weaken. Conflict, arguing, anger, and hurt are all things that lead to the temptation to sin. 

Whether we deal with the conflict by pulling away from the people, maybe even God, or by letting our emotions dictate our responses, we aren’t responding out of love. 

Instead, we have to reframe our mindset to one that loves the people we come in contact with so much that we want what’s best for them. For their walk with God, for their own mental and spiritual well-being. By putting these things as a priority, we will start to recognize them as people who also fall short of the glory of God and deserve grace, versus the monster we tend to make them out as.

As christians, our battle isn’t with the human beings that are around us, but instead the evil that sin is. The same way that God loves us, but hates our sin, we have to do the same. We have to differentiate the two. We HAVE to love others. They are made in the image of God, they are God’s creation; we HAVE to love them. But, we also HAVE to hate the sin. We have to turn away from it in ourselves, and we have to help our brothers and sisters turn from it themselves. 

Keeping a Clear Conscience When Interacting

For you were called to be free, brothers and sisters; only don’t use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love. For the whole law is fulfilled in one statement: Love your neighbor as yourself. But if you bite and devour one another, watch out, or you will be consumed by one another. Galatians 5:13-15 CSB

The freedom that we have in Christ is a major point in Galatians chapter 5, and I recommend everyone read through the book multiple times. 

For the sake of this post, we’re just going to talk about these verses. The freedom that we have, shouldn’t be wasted by chasing after sin. Instead, in our freedom, we should love each other and build each other up. This was Jesus’ command! 

If we allow sin to run rampant in our hearts, we will continue to sin, and “devour” one another. 

How do we avoid this?

James talks about guarding our tongue, and that’s exactly how we do that. As with our last two points, these ways of interacting are not our instinct. Our instinct is to protect ourselves, to hold others accountable for hurting us or being wrong, but that is the opposite of how Jesus responded. Jesus never put self-preservation first. Jesus never held our sins against us, but instead died so that we can be with God despite them. 

We have to change our instincts towards one that hesitates to respond, so that we can respond lovingly instead of in anger. 

While it is impossible to be completely clear of conflict for our entire life on earth (unless maybe if you live in a shack in the woods, all by yourself? Maybe?), it is possible to interact in ways that make the situations easier when they arise.

If we interact with gentleness and reverence, if we keep a clear conscience while we interact. If we do these things, we are on our way to loving others the way we’re supposed to. 

For the whole law is fulfilled in one statement: Love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:14 CSB

It’s not hard. Jesus gave us an easy way to remember the laws. Love God, love others. We can’t love others by running head first into conflict, or even by avoiding conflict for the sake of making things easier. Neither option is actually easier. We have to do what we can to prevent the conflict, by not adding fuel to the fire, but instead lifting our brothers and sisters up so that if we are accused of anything, we are above reproach. Preventing conflict as much as we can on our end of things.

By loving others in these specific ways, the times conflict does rear its head, we will be above reproach and it will put them to shame. So, while it doesn’t prevent it completely, it does make it harder for conflict to stick, and that’s important! Prioritizing our walk with God, being in His Word, and being in constant prayer with Him helps us realize what is worth fighting for and what are just minor inconveniences. 

One of my favorite things I’ve been told is, “Our feelings are real, but they’re also really unreliable.” Just because we feel like it’s a big deal, doesn’t mean it is. God will help us discern if it is or isn’t.